


How Much My Heart Was With You

by panicatthecisco



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens - Freeform, Based on an actual letter, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Freeform, Gay John Laurens, How Do I Tag, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Washington totally knows what's up with lams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 10:38:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12703275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panicatthecisco/pseuds/panicatthecisco
Summary: Sometimes all one needs is a word in season from someone they love.





	How Much My Heart Was With You

It's yet another rainy New England night. Hamilton thinks he will never get used to it. The soft breezes of the Caribbean would be most welcome right now. Instead of the mud that's sometimes equal parts water, blood, and tears, he wishes for sand.

He's been up into the wee hours of the morning, writing again. He's been missing Laurens more than anything. When his other, better fellow aide is there, Hamilton can go for days. John is the one who keeps him running, keeps him stable, keeps him happy.

Everyone knows how they feel about each other. Everyone knows, but no one talks. The sentries will see them sneaking back into camp in the dead of night, and will never say a word. Someone will go to fetch one or the other, only to find an empty tent. They know that John is with Hamilton, or vice versa. It's a scandal, it's a sin, but right now, they have more important things to worry about than the unholy coupling. Things like staying alive and not thinning the already omniscient mud with your blood.

Washington knows too, but unlike most others, he's a man of opportunity. He knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it. Hamilton is the sharpest tool in his arsenal, and Washington has long ago realized that if he wants Hamilton at his best, he needs to keep Laurens around too. They are yin and yang, fire and air- they need each other to survive. 

But for now, Hamilton is alone in his tent, and so he turns to the only other relief he has at the moment- words. Thousands, millions of words have poured from his pen. But for tonight, he'll write one simple letter to his John, though heaven knows he could never put those words down on the paper. 

He reaches for his ink, paper, and the quill falls into his fingers in a familiar, soothing sensation. He's just about to dip the tip into the ink when a voice outside calls his name. 

"Colonel Hamilton, sir?" a private says, and Hamilton sighs, sets down his pen, tells the young man to come in.

"A letter from Lieutenant Colonel Laurens, for you, sir," the young private says respectfully. "General Washington asked me to bring it to you."

Hamilton hopes that his utter delight isn't obvious on his face as he thanks the man as cooly as he can, and dismisses him.

He takes a moment to savor the familiar handwriting on the outside of the envelope before slitting it open and carefully unfolding the paper.

He cherishes every word, savoring every letter. John is missing him too, he thinks in delight. John is missing him, Alexander Hamilton. 

"How much my heart was with you," he reads over and over again.

The letter is full of little phrases that make Hamilton smile. Throughout the news of politicking, Laurens says he wishes to be with Hamilton instead of making endless harangues. He sends his love to their friends, mentions Gibbs with an apology for not mentioning him in his last letter. More than anything, he asks for letters as often as Hamilton can write them, and the Lord above knows that Hamilton will write as many letters a day as Laurens wants if that's what makes him happy.

Laurens ends the letter with a simple "Yours ever."

Hamilton sleeps through the night for the first time in days.

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a line from a letter from Laurens to Hamilton, 14 July 1779; "Ternant will relate to you how many violent struggles I have had between duty and inclination—how much my heart was with you, while I appeared to be most actively employed here..." Hamilton's little phrases of affections are usually quoted, but this one from John is especially adorable. 
> 
> It's also inspired by my hatred for how history tries to heterosexualize relationships like this. Why can't we just let them be gay, good lord! Isn't freedom of speech and the freedom to love whoever you damn well want what they were fighting for? Laurens did not die for the nation we see today.
> 
> Ok, I'm going to get off my soapbox now.


End file.
